That Which We Seek
by kressn
Summary: A bit of Mac angst when he finds out someone he sought was now found. He tries to come to terms with the impact of the loss with a little help from his family. You know by now I love playing off Mac's "daddy issues" and making our boy cry... In this story we see a side of Bozer that no one expects (I hope). Cheers!
1. Chapter 1

**That Which We Seek...**

 ** _A story where Mac loses something and finds something else; both allowing him to find peace in his life that he did not even know he was missing…_**

The mission had been a success; they were able to not only recover the formula for the vaccine that has the potential to save countless lives, but they had also been able to reunite a family and bring them to safety. The team, Jack, Riley, Bozer, Cage and Mac were all laughing and joking as they entered Matty's office, greeting their boss with smiles on their faces, even Cage.

Matty looked up at her team when they entered her office, being louder than usual. Secretly she was happy to see they were all back in one piece and in good spirits, outwardly she opted to maintain her "boss persona" and cleared her throat loudly before saying, "I'm glad to see you are all having such a good time, but can you turn it down a notch? This is my office not a carnival"; that did the trick and the gang stopped and spewed several "sorry Matty" responses. Mac looked up at the giant screen on the wall behind his diminutive boss, registering the fact that there was some sort of chase going on which involved some very large men as well as some men who appeared to be American; it was obviously not related to their last mission, so Mac assumed that it is either an active mission involving another Phoenix team or some surveillance that Matty had going on which may or may not end up involving them. His attention was distracted away from the screen when he heard Jack say "Oh come on Matty, cut us a break! We were awesome in our last assignment and you know it! A little celebration, maybe even a raise is in order here" Jack said, winking at their boss, who did not seem amused by Jack's antics. Mac chuckled at his friend's constant efforts to annoy Matty; they both seem to enjoy their banter and Jack was not one to back down first so this could go on forever really.

Matty raised an eyebrow at Jack and said "well, I can always arrange for you to spend some time on the Unemployed-Agent's-Line maybe _that_ will get your attention Jack; as for the rest of you" Matty spread her arms and swept the group, "you can join him if you want". Several, "nope", "no" and "I'm good" comments later, the team was now silent and looking at their leader for instructions. This was supposed to be a debrief of their last mission and they all wanted to get it over with so they could go home and get some rest, for although a success, their last mission was non-stop action and very physically demanding on all of them. "Now, I am pleased at the result of the last mission" Matty told them, "The formula for the vaccine is back where it belongs and it will lead to the development of life-saving medicine that will help thousands, so Oversight is pleased…"

Mac was only half-listening, his attention had been drawn back towards the Vid Screen on the wall; there were a couple of men approaching a parked vehicle on a tiny street which looked to be somewhere in Germany judging by the street signs; there was something oddly familiar about one of the men though that caught his eye and he could not help but stare closely at the scene being played out; unconsciously he took a few steps towards the screen, almost as if it was beckoning him; the others noticed Mac's change in stance and mood, and turned to watch him, including Matty who walked over to where Mac was standing, so close to the screen that he appeared to almost want to enter it. "Hey, Baby Einstein!" Matty said, using her favorite nickname for the blond genius, "See something interesting?"

Mac suddenly could not breathe, it was as if the room's oxygen supply had been sucked out completely; he gasped loudly, reaching out with his hand to brace himself against the wall to keep from falling on his face as he watched the 3 men enter the car a few seconds before it exploded; "Oh God!" He cried out, dimly aware of someone speaking to him and of hands grabbing his arms as he stood there shaking, willing his lungs to work and his head to make sense of what he just saw. "Riley", he said breathlessly, shaking off Jack's and Bozer's grasp, both of whom had grabbed his arms when he faltered, in an effort to help and figure out what the hell was going on? "Rewind that" he pointed to the section of the screen where the burning car sat.

"Mac…" Riley started but one look at Mac's face quieted her and she grabbed her laptop, glancing at Matty for approval who nodded and did as Mac asked. Everyone's gaze lifted to the Vid screen as the scene of the 3 men getting into the car replayed. "Stop it there" Mac asked; the image froze on the screen at the point where one of the men's face was visible although a bit grainy. "Mac, what is going on bud?" Jack asked as Mac once again approached the screen, staring at the man's image; Mac ignored Jacks' question and simply said, "Can you zoom in on that face?" Riley nodded and did so, Mac started trembling slightly but enough for Jack to notice and move to stand beside his friend, shoulder to shoulder; everyone looked up at the screen again and although still grainy, they all could not help but notice the man's eyes, brilliantly blue eyes, eyes just like someone else's they knew.

Bozer was watching his friend's reactions to the video puzzled; what caught Mac's attention was the three men that apparently just got blown to smithereens after entering a late-model Mercedes in another country? He watched as Mac's knees suddenly seem to refuse to hold his friend up and Mac reached out to steady himself against the wall; he rushed to his best friend's side, reaching him at the same time as Jack did. He grabbed his friend's forearm and Jack grabbed the other. Bozer was immediately very concerned not only with the fact that Mac was having such a strange and pronounced reaction to the images on screen, but also due to Mac's appearance, his friend was suddenly breathing in small fast shallow bursts, his face pale and sweaty, his eyes filled with angst and pain that had not been there before and that did not make sense over the fate of strangers on a Vid screen half a world away. When Mac shook them off and walked back towards the Vid screen he followed to stand behind him. He was about to ask Mac what the hell was going on? When he looked up at the Vid screen when Mac asked Riley to freeze the frame; this time it was his time to gasp; "Mac!, is that?..."

Mac heard Bozer's unfinished question. He knew his childhood friend recognized the man on the screen too; he would be the only one who would really. The video resumed its playback and he watched again as the men and the car they were in blew up with no hope of anyone surviving the blast. He was in Hell, trapped in a hellish loop where he had to watch one of the worst 5 seconds of his life over and over again. His vision greyed as the sound of the blast on the screen hit his ears, the voices of those around him muffled; the feel of Jack's strong arms holding him up and walking, almost carrying him back to Matty's couch almost surreal.

"M'a….c…. k—i—d—d—o, can you h..ea..r me?" He heard Jack's voice cut through some of the haze in his head. He blinked and looked up to see Jack kneeling in front of him as he laid on the couch, when did that happen? He did not remember lying down, Bozer was standing behind Jack, Riley was sitting on the arm chair beside him and Matty and Cage were both standing by the Vid screen. Mac closed his eyes as he realized the video was looping around still repeating the scene of the men's demise over and over again. "Please make it stop" he whispered at Jack who looked confused for a second before realizing Mac meant the video feed; he looked over at Riley who was already hitting the Enter Key. "OK, it's stopped Mac" Jack said at the young blond who still looked horrified over the images he had seen. Jack placed on hand on Mac's throat frowning when he felt the younger man's pulse which was too fast; "Mac, you want to tell us what the hell just happened?" Jack asked, concern lining his voice, "You're giving me more grey hairs again, and we talked about that bud"

"Jack" Bozer spoke up, he knew he had to. Jack turned to him as well as the others who were probably surprised by the demanding tone in Bozer's voice, "I need you and the others to leave for a few minutes please" he said, authority still in his voice; he turned to Matty who was quietly taking everything in, and mouthed a silent "please" to her. Matty nodded, "OK, everyone out!" she commanded. Jack was about to protest, but he looked a Mac who nodded slightly at Jack when he turned to face the boy, a whispered "please Jack" from the man had Jack nodding back and standing up to leave with the others, not before shooting a warning glance at Bozer; the unspoken "I don't like this one damn bit, but I know you won't do anything to hurt Mac so I'm going to trust you" speech being delivered loudly and clearly to the younger man.

Once everyone was out of the room, Bozer walked over the Matty's desk and frosted the windows, leaving the Team who stood right outside the glass windows looking in, effectively cut off from Mac and him. This conversation needed to be private for now. He walked over the couch where his dearest and oldest friend was now sitting on, having worked himself slowly into a sitting position as the others exited the room. Bozer noticed that Mac's hands were grasping the edges of the couch, probably because the room was spinning for Mac. Bozer walked over to Mac's mini fridge and pulled out a bottle of cold water, then walked over to his friend, twisted the cap off and held it out to him with a "Drink!" command which earned him a raised eyebrow from his friend, not accustomed to Bozer's voice holding such authority, but Mac took the bottle and began to drink.

Mac was so tired, he suddenly only wanted to find a large, dark hole and hide away from the world and sleep for days; maybe when he awoke his reality would be better than it is right this moment. He looked up at Bozer when he heard his friend basically order everyone out of the room, even Jack, who normally needed to be dragged away from him by very large, scary, heavily armed men if Mac was not well; even through the haze of his current ordeal, Mac as proud of his friend's willingness to gain Jack's wrath on his behalf. He rubbed his fingers over his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as he willed his shaky body to follow his commands and allow him to set up on Matty's couch, eliciting a wave of dizziness that made him hold on to the edges of the couch in an effort to stop himself from listing. He watched as Bozer frosted Matty's office windows for privacy and walked over to the fridge to get some water; he almost, almost smiled at his friend when he all but shoved the water into his left hand and commanded him to drink it.

"Mac" Bozer started, looking right at Mac's eyes, sadness in his eyes which were filled with the shared knowledge of what had been played on the Vid screen; a knowledge only he shared with Mac. Bozer placed a hand on his friend's knee, to try and offer both an anchor for his friend and for himself as he continued. Mac turned to face him, eyes breaming with unshed tears; "Yes Bozer" his friend whispered, "that was…um…" the blond's voice broke, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, the hand that held the now half-empty bottle of water shaking enough to have Bozer place his hand on it and remove the bottle from his grasp, putting it down on the table in front of them, "That was…my father" Mac spat out, taking another shaky breath as he did so; almost as if saying out loud made even more true that before, more horrible. Bozer placed his hands on his friend's shoulders and pulled him towards him; using more force against Mac's initial resistance of being pulled into an embrace. "Mac" Bozer whispered at his friend's ear as he enveloped Mac in a massive bear hug, one that to his surprise Mac eventually melted into just as he started to be wracked by uncontrolled sobs, his hands grasping the back of Bozer's shirt in his fists like they were literally the only thing keeping him sane. Bozer said nothing, there was nothing he could possibly say he knew, that would make this nightmare not be so for his best friend, his brother; all he could do is hold him tightly, silently supporting him, allowing him to break down and hit the emotional bottom he was about to hit so that he could help him come back up from it.

Mac said the words out loud, he spoke them slowly and quietly, "that was my father" he finally admitted to his best friend, repeating the words over and over in his head. Bozer's arms were suddenly wrapped around him, pulling him into an embrace that he initially resisted but eventually accepted, he needed the human contact, he needed his friend to tell him everything was going to be OK, he needed an anchor to keep him from floating away into a Sea of sadness, guilt and despair, so he hugged his friend back, tightly, he grabbed on to him like a drowning man would hold on to a life boat in the open water; he held on and he wept.

 ** _To be continued….._**


	2. That Which We Seek Chapter 2

That Which We Seek

 ** _Sorry it has been so long since the last chapter; I've been crazy busy! So far we have a confused Jack and Team, a bossy Bozer, which is out of character and a grief-stricken blond genius; let's go for a ride!_**

It felt like his friend was breaking right in his arms, Mac was crying so hard that he was actually vibrating. Bozer held on to his dearest friend, his brother, as the man fell apart, feeling every single bit of pain and angst he had been suppressing since he was 12, the day his father left him, and every bit of new pain he was now feeling as he watched the man die on screen, thousands of miles away. There was no logical explanation for what his father was doing in Germany, or why he had been in that car? Bozer was not sure the answers they would have to seek out would be of any comfort to Mac either, on the contrary, he was pretty sure they would probably hurt his friend even more. Bozer sighed in frustration, his heart broke for his friend, unable to really do anything more than hold him right now, offer him his support by being there and trying to help Mac navigate this sea of madness he had been thrown into. Suddenly he heard Mac whisper "go.." so he pulled away from his friend who was still crying, just enough to where he could see Mac's face; "what?" he asked

Mac looked up at Bozer as his friend pushed back away from him some as Mac had spoken; obviously Bozer had not heard him when Mac told Bozer he wanted to go, he needed to leave, the walls were closing in on him and he needed to be anywhere but here. He could not, did not, want to fact Jack or the Team, not yet; he needed time to center himself, to process what he had just witnessed; to grieve for the absentee father he just watched die. "I need to go" he repeated quietly; "please Bozer, I need to get out of here" He nearly begged his friend. Bozer nodded and told him to wait where he was, he then watched as his friend walked towards Matty's office door with such a purposeful stride, had it been under different circumstances, he would have probably given his oldest friend a hard time about it, but right now, Mac was grateful Bozer was taking charge, he was willing and able to do all the thinking, all the processing, all the moving, for Mac was not sure he would be able to himself; he felt…lost.

Bozer nodded at Mac when his friend said he needed to go, that he needed to leave the confines of the office, probably get as far away from the Vid Screen as possible too. Mac was being very subdued and pliable, not something his friend normally was, it worried Bozer, he had only seeing him like that once before, ironically when his father left. Bozer knew he needed to function for Mac right now, it was obvious his friend needed him to be his "everything" right now, and he was going to be and do just that. He told Mac to stay put and then walked over to the office door, grabbed the handle, took a deep breath and opened it, he knew Jack especially was not going to like what he was about to say and do, but it did not matter, right now, the only thing that matter was Mac.

Jack almost collided with Bozer as he hurried to meet him when Bozer exited Matty's office, Matty, Riley and Cage were not far behind him. Bozer looked at his friends but focused on Jack when he spoke, cutting the older man off as Jack was already asking "how Mac was?"

"I'm going to take Mac with me right now, I need you to trust me" he held a hand up to again cut Jack off; "One of the men on the Vid Screen that entered the car that exploded was Mac's father" Bozer waited for what he just said to sink in and continued before anyone could interject with a question; "Obviously Mac is hurting, and confused" Bozer looked at Matty when he said "I need to take a few days off, so does Mac, we are going to be incommunicado for a while, and NO Jack! You are NOT coming with us, not yet"

Jack saw Bozer exit Matty's office and literally jumped out of his seat and reached the younger man in a single stride, his speed was such that he almost toppled Bozer over as he nearly collided with him in his haste to figure out what was wrong with Mac. He was about to ask when Bozer actually put a hand up by his face with a look in his eyes that spewed fire, effectively stopping Jack from speaking. Jack was taken aback by Bozer's new-found command presence so he allowed it, for now; when he heard Bozer say that he was taking Mac somewhere and that Jack was not going to come with though, Jack was ready to knock Bozer out with a single punch if necessary so he could get to his boy; but Matty's voice cut through his fury before he could act on his impulses.

"Jack, stand down!" Matty ordered; "Bozer, you and Mac take all the time you need" Matty looked at Bozer with sadness in her eyes and continued, "Please tell him we are very sorry for his loss, and that we are here for him when he is ready" "Meanwhile" she said looking at Riley, Cage and Jack, "We will work on trying to figure out what his father was doing in Germany, and why the hell he was in that car?"

"Wait a minute, wait one dammed minute!" Jack had had enough and yelled; "If you think I am going to let you take Mac away without me" Jack got right in Bozer's face, inches away, given the younger man a look that any other time would probably send chills down Bozer's spine, it was a look that clearly conveyed to the younger man that Jack was a highly-trained operative capable of snapping Bozer in half without breaking a sweat or losing any sleep over it, "you are dead wrong brother!" He made to go around Bozer and enter the office where his boy was when he felt Bozer's hand on his arm and heard Bozer say, with a tone of voice he had never heard the younger man use, or many other men really, full of power and implied threat, "NO!"

Bozer knew Jack meant well, he know Jack loved Mac like a son, so it was very hard to tell him that what he needed to do with Mac right now could not involve him, not yet. Mac needed his childhood friend right now, a friend that knew his father, a friend that was there when Mac's mother died, when Mac's father left, when Mac's grandfather died. Mac needed his brother; not his ad-hoc dad, not yet. Mac needed to find his bearing again and come to terms with the loss of his father before he could find comfort in his dad's arms, Jack was not Mac's father, but he was Mac's 'dad'; a distinction that although subtle, it was very much true, whether both men realized it or not. When Jack tried to step into Matty's office to go to Mac, Bozer knew he needed to make Jack understand that the best way he could help Mac right now was to not help; he grabbed Jack's arm to stop him and with all the strength that Mac's friendship and Mac's needs fed to him, he said the most powerful "NO!" of his life, effectively stopping the Delta Operative in his tracks.

Jack glared at Bozer, ready to snap the boy's head off with his thumb so he could then get to Mac, but something in the younger man's eyes stopped him cold, something that did not happen often… or ever…

"Jack, stop!" Bozer turned to the his friend and met the man's glare without backing down, "I know you want to help Mac, I know you are worried" Bozer let Jack's arm go as he felt Jack relax a bit under his grip, "Right now though, Jack, Mac needs me, he needs to be able to rely on the connection we have had for 21 years; there are things between us that I cannot share, that I cannot teach you, that cannot be duplicated or ignored" Bozer grabbed Jack's shoulders and turned him away from the door. "You have my word that as soon as Mac is ready to speak to his "dad" about his "father", Bozer purposely enunciated both those words to mark their differences, "I will call you and tell you where we are" He then turned to Matty, Riley and Cage, "I will keep him safe, I promise", then turned around and went back inside Matty's office, leaving a subdued Jack in tow.

Jack was not sure what the hell had just happened? Did Bozer just manage to actually keep him away from Mac when the boy was hurting? He just stood there as Bozer turned back into Matty's office and disappeared; unsure of what to do next, he decided to allow Bozer and Mac to leave without him, for now.

Mac looked up as Bozer strode back into the office and walked over to the couch where he was still sitting, almost like a puppet without a puppeteer to manage his next moves, his next words. Mac felt adrift, lost, disconnected. Bozer took his arm in his hands and tugged him upward, Mac stood, then Bozer tugged again towards the back exit of Matty's office, Mac followed his brother out, right now Mac would follow his brother anywhere…

To Be Continued….


	3. Chapter 3

That Which We Seek (Chapter 3)

Bozer glanced over at his best friend as he drove out of the Phoenix lot, Mac was quiet, too quiet, and still, too still, his head was against the window, his eyes staring out into the road with no real rhyme or reason. It was obvious his friend was far, far away, even though his body was in the seat beside him. Bozer was trying to figure out what the hell just happened still? Seen Mac' father get blown up with that car bomb was awful for him, he could not even imagine how bad it was for Mac. Even though Mac's father had left his friend when he was a child, on his 12th birthday no less, the man was still his friend's father and watching him die was impactful and horrible.

His first priority though was getting Mac what he needed right now, which was a safe place; a place where he could get his friend to mourn his father, to make sense of what he had witness on screen and to allow himself to heal. Bozer had just the place, his grandfather had left Bozer a little farm, nothing elaborate, but it was secluded and well stocked since Bozer had just been there a few weeks back doing some repairs to the barn and had stocked up the main house ironically so that he could have Mac over one of these weekends.

The ride would be long Bozer knew, and he was pleased when a while after they had left Phoenix Mac had evidently fallen asleep. His friend looked pale and frail, and sleep would help him, Bozer hoped, keep up his energy to weather the storm that was sure to come next. Mac was not one to show his feelings often, it took a lot for his friend to admit to anything being wrong really. Mac always did his best to make sure everyone else was OK, even at the expense of himself. Even as kids, Mac was always a strong little boy, sad, quiet and smarter than anyone he ever interacted with, even the adults, but Mac always managed to worm his way into people's hearts once they realized what an amazing person he truly was. He looked back at his friend again, still fast asleep, as he pulled into the fueling station.

Bozer made quick work of getting the gas tank filled, glancing at his friend who was still really out. Bozer considered waking Mac, but decided against it. He closed the car doors quietly locking them behind him and went inside the store to get some coffee and some snacks; he figured Mac would eventually wake and be hungry, so he might as well have some chips and stuff to tie them over. He paid the clerk and walked out into the evening, quickly heading towards the car. He stopped short when he realized Mac was not inside; he ran the rest of the way and put the bags in the back, frantically looking around for his friend, finally spotting him coming out from behind the building.

"Damn Mac, you gave me heart attack!" Bozer exclaimed as his friend approached the car. Mac looked at him and shrugged, "sorry, I needed the bathroom" Mac's voice was so quiet it was hard to hear and there was no emotion in it, it was cold, almost defeated, making Bozer's worry-meter go into overdrive.

"Where are we Boze?" Mac asked as he sat back in the car, as Bozer retook the driver's seat. "Ventura" Bozer answered, "Mac, are you OK?" He could not help himself, he had to ask. Mac just nodded, both acknowledging the location an answering the question, he then just turned his head back towards the window and closed his eyes again, marking the end of the conversation.

Bozer sighed, he would fight the battles worth fighting, later, and right now it was just not the place nor the time for it. He started the engine and quickly pulled back onto the Interstate.

Mac knew his friend was worried about him, but right now, he just did not have the energy, physically nor mentally to face his friend, he just wanted to sit in silence, to disappear into the night if possible, and just breathe and think. Every time he closed his eyes though he saw his father getting into that car and then he saw it explode, the image was looping over and over in his head, just like it was on the Vid Screen at Phoenix, and he wanted nothing but to make it stop. He just nodded when Bozer asked him if he was OK, again, not really having the energy or the inclination to engage in conversation, even if he knew Bozer understood probably better than anyone, where he was right now in his head. He just sat back in the car, leaned his head against the cool glass of the car's window and closed his eyes, willing the images in his mind's eye to stop even though he knew they would not.

Bozer glanced down at the GSP, they had another five hours to drive before they reached the farm. He turned the radio to some soft classical music hoping it would help his and Mac's nerves some, glancing at his best friend, he turned the heat up a bit since Mac seemed to be shaking, even in his sleep, and he focused on the road ahead ( _nothing to do with the Interstate they were riding on_ ). He needed a plan. He needed to help his friend and he needed to do it without Jack, which he knew although necessary, it would be difficult because whether he liked it or not, Mac and Jack's relationship was one that tethered the two men close, like father and son in most cases, but right now Mac needed to mourn the loss of his father and having his ad-hoc father there while he did so would be too confusing and counterproductive.

"We will figure this out brother" he whispered looking at Mac; "I promise you Mac, everything will be OK"

To be continued….


End file.
